Wednesday's Story

Fertility. Infertility.

Whenever I hear these words I perk up. I am curious. What will be said? Will it still hurt?

Conflicted.

Should I share what I have been through, or not. I feel ready. I am ready.

We have two beautiful children, for whom we are so incredibly thankful. My own struggle with infertility has been easier to bear because of them.

Infertility is hard. Infertility is really hard. Infertility is a struggle. Infertility can be crushing.

I don't write or talk about it a lot, perhaps because of my own fear of being so vulnerable in a public way. So many people suffer from this plight that I wanted to share my story, hoping that it may help someone else.

There are a lot of painful thoughts connected with the infertility struggle.

The pain of uncertainty.
Will I ever be a mother? Month after month, test after test. Another negative. Disappointment sets in. It cannot be helped. Then you wonder why? when? how? Uncertainty can be extremely painful.

The pain of happy families everywhere.
I would find myself furious at the world that discards unborn fetuses and treats them as optional responsibilities. On the other hand, I struggled with being jealous of families with lots of happy, smiling children.

The pain of being alone.
Like most painful experiences, I had the feeling that no one else knew what I was going through. No one cared. Even though I knew this was not true, it is how I felt. It was hard to shake it off. People would say things like, "just be patient", or "have more faith", or "are you sure you want to pay for fertility? What if it doesn't work?" And, "aren't fertility treatments taking it out of God's hands anyway?" We were praying to God every minute of every day, it seemed. How dare someone question my judgement!!!!

The Story.
When I got married we were practicing pregnancy prevention. I was scared. I wasn't ready to end my career yet. I loved my job. I was climbing the ladder of corporate success. I had lots of friends that I didn't want to give up seeing every day. I had lots of perks and a great salary. Why would I want to let that go?

I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom...someday. As is my nature, I wanted to be totally prepared to stay home with my children. That included financially prepared. Could I quit my job? Would I quit my job?

The reality.
I was in my thirties when I go married so I couldn't wait forever. As the clock began to tick along we decided after seven months of marriage that we better not put off our family plans any longer. As I began to have problems getting pregnant and staying pregnant I remember thinking that the Lord was punishing me for even trying to prevent pregnancy. Silly thought, I know.

Pregnant.
What a miracle. After what seemed like a year, but was only a few months I had a positive pregnancy test. The first one ever. A dream come true. I saved that stick for a long, long time. We had confirmation from the doctor and now our new life was about to begin...but not in the way we had planned. Only in God's plan we would ultimately discover.

Miscarriage.
At twelve weeks I was no longer pregnant. The miscarriage lasted about three days and was very physically painful. I felt so alone. At this point I wished I hadn't told the world because now I had to undo it all. "You can try again", people would say. Ugh. I didn't want to try again. I wanted that one! "It's a blessing". Nope, didn't want to hear that one either. It was like a death, alright (screaming inside). I didn't think anyone understood even though I knew lots of women who had the same suffering. "I am sorry for what you are going through" is a perfect response. Don't ignore it, however.

Treatment.
Of course we would try again. After another unsuccessful year I began mild fertility drugs. I did get pregnant again but miscarried at eight weeks. Disappointment again. Our desire and desperation led us to a leading fertility specialist in the valley. No problems except for a blocked fallopian tube which is easy enough to fix. I remember taking a prescribed Valium and having a little sense of what it might feel like to be "high". I was so "loopy" I could barely walk up the stairs to the doctors office. It was a very strange out of body type of experience that I didn't particularly like. The procedure was a painful success. I could bare the pain if it led to the desired result.

With the blockage gone we began fertility pills, shots, shots and more shots. Big Mister administered the shots and did not like it a bit. Our life for more than one year was shots, appointments, pregnancy attempts, shots, blood work, shots, ultrasounds, shots, money, shots, pregnancy tests and more money. All disappointing, negative results. The anticipation and disappointment became more than I could bare. I stopped all treatment.

Adoption.
A miracle happened that led us to consider adoption. I really hadn't given much thought to adoption previously. I innocently thought that things would go pretty much as I imagined in my mind. Finish College, get married, work for a couple of years then start a family. I should have known better when marriage didn't come when I was 21!

We knew adoption was the answer to our prayers. I quit my job. I had to. God told me to. He blessed us with a stay at home job that fell into my lap. Adoption happened fast. Once we were certified our Little Miss came 10 months later. Our Little Mister came the next year. Our family was complete. I felt it. I knew it.

My heart ached that I could not have my own children. With time the ache has diminished, but not totally. I am comforted when I think of the courageous and selfless girl who considered adoption for two beautiful children that are now mine.

What I learned.

Talk.
Talk it out. Talk to your spouse, your mother, your father, your sister, your friend. Do whatever you can to talk it out. Don't face the problem alone because you are never truly alone. Don't let isolation take over.

Cry.
Don't feel bad about feeling bad. Don't feel guilty for feeling pain. Pain is a God-given response to a problem. A struggle with bitterness and resentment will set in if we are not very, very careful. The "why me" can take over if we let it. Don't let it. Rather, "why not me".

Be genuinely happy for others.
Every baby around me was evidence of something I did not have. It hurts. Every baby shower is yet another reminder of something I had yet to experience. Don't be afraid to tell someone about it. Express it at the appropriate time. However, in the moment you must rejoice with the person experiencing this joy in their life.

Serve
The antidote to self-absorption. Stay busy. Do meaningful things that help the lives of others.

Pray.
God hears and answers our prayers. Don't stop talking to Him. Have conversations with Him. We would always pray "please help us to be parents" and "help us to understand why" and "Comfort us". Sometimes it is hard to remember that God knows exactly what we are going through. He is right there by our side which is made evident by the outcome.

Read.
Of course, read scripture. But also read good books that will help and guide you through life's challenges. Remember, the answer to every problem lies within the scriptures.

Continue to learn and grow.
Patience is a virtue. While we are patiently waiting we are learning. We are growing in faith. By requiring us to wait God is strengthening us. By allowing us to suffer He can buoy us up again.

"A man’s heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps. " Proverbs 16:9